Too Late
by Corinth
Summary: Alex's thoughts on her relationship with Jim and the events in Savasana. UPDATED!
1. Chapter 1

I own nothing.

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I should never have let it go so far. There's a reason people always say it's best to keep romance out of the workplace. It complicates things; it's difficult to work with someone after the love you once had morphs into hate. It's even harder to work with someone you never stopped loving, especially when the mere sight of him is enough to fill your head with fantasies of him taking you on your desk.

I knew I shouldn't let it happen with Jim. I noticed the way my body responded to him, and I should have taken that as a sign to steer clear. I tried, but I wasn't successful. Almost before I knew what was happening, a dinner with Jim led to us making love on my living room floor.

I don't think he and I ever had sex in a bed. I'm not saying that our relationship was based on nothing but sex; I truly was…and am…in love with him. But the physical aspect seemed to overshadow everything else. It was absolutely amazing, and I would venture to say it was so intense because of our emotional connection.

That's what I was missing with Robert. Only a couple months after I started seeing him, we were already kissing each other on the cheek to say goodbye and calling each other 'honey' and 'sweetie' in front of other people. We hardly ever talked, and when we did, it was nothing special. They were conversations I could have had with absolutely anyone.

That was never the case with Jim. He wouldn't dare kiss me on the cheek in public because we both knew that a single touch was enough to remind us of the insatiable need for each other that we tried so desperately to hide during business hours. He couldn't call me anything but 'Alex' if we needed to remain professional. Even calling me 'Al' evoked a response in me that sometimes threatened to send me over the edge. I saw him smirking at me every time he used that nickname that only he could get away with.

Staying away from him, being with Robert, was the most painful experience. I never can explain to myself why I have this inability to let myself be happy…why not just stay with Jim? I convinced myself it was because I was his boss, but that wasn't really true. I was scared to be anything but sad and lonely. It's all I've ever known, really.

That night…I can't even remember how the hell we both ended up naked in my office. We were talking about something, arguing, actually, and the next thing I knew he was kissing me so hard I couldn't breathe. Within seconds I was on my back on my desk and I felt him slide my bra from my shoulders.

I can't believe I let him do that…anyone could have walked by, Robert could have come to pick me up…anything. I didn't even think about it.

I didn't think about the fact that I was cheating on Robert. I didn't acknowledge that I was breaking every rule of propriety. I didn't think about anything; all that mattered was that Jim not stop. I needed to feel his ragged breath on my neck, his fingers stroking me, his strong, painful movements inside me. It hurt…I felt like he was about to tear me in two, but I needed more. I was practically crying from the pain, but I pulled him to me even harder.

I heard him moaning my name, telling me that he loved me, but I couldn't say anything. I clenched my eyes shut as the most powerful orgasm I've ever had ripped through me, and I bit my tongue to keep from screaming his name. I was filled with love so strong that I couldn't catch my breath, and yet, as my heart was overflowing with love, it was also breaking into a million pieces with a feeling I couldn't quite place.

I was with Robert. As much as I wanted him, I couldn't have Jim. I couldn't let myself be happy. I didn't deserve it.

As Jim collapsed on top of me, kissing my neck, I sank into a feeling of despair that was all too familiar. The desk beneath me disappeared, replaced by cold, rocky asphalt. Jim's body disintegrated and I felt the bone-deep chill of the night. I could see nothing but the endless sky above me. I felt the blood seeping out of my shoulder, taking my life with it.

It's too late.


	2. Chapter 2

What is wrong with me? Why do I do this to myself? Everything I want is right in front of me and I run the other way. And I'm not only hurting myself. I'm killing the only man who has ever loved _me_, character flaws and all.

I said yes. The morning after having wonderful, painfully passionate sex with Jim in my office, I said yes to Robert. What was I thinking?

Robert is not right for me. I'm sure he's right for someone…he really is a good man…but I'm not myself around him. By agreeing to marry him, I condemned myself to years and years of pretending to be someone I'm not.

He wouldn't recognize the woman I become at work. I tell him about cases sometimes, but it's entirely different to actually be there. He wouldn't believe the opinionated, somewhat belligerent hard-ass of the seventh floor is Alexandra Cabot. And he would hate it. He would hate that I can be so relentless. Hearing that I fought for the death penalty is one thing, but if he were to actually see the perps I'm trying to have killed, he could never look at me again.

And unfortunately, it's who I really am.

That's what Jim sees. He has been there at my worst points, at my meanest points, and he stuck by me. He doesn't abandon me and condemn me for doing my job, because he understands. He knows that I'm fighting for something that is bigger than my personal beliefs, more important than the way I appear. I'm upholding the law. I'm trying to stop violence from happening, or at least from reoccurring.

He is always at my side, supporting me, even when we are arguing so violently that we should probably be frisked for weapons. He's always there…so why do I do this to him?

I could hardly sleep last night. I kept thinking about Jim and the look in his eyes as he made love to me. The way it felt to have his weight on top of me, the feel of his muscles under my fingertips. I didn't allow myself to give in fully to the sensations at the time, knowing that I was being unfaithful to Robert, but I couldn't stop replaying it in my mind after.

I felt like I was cheating on Jim, lying in bed next to Robert and letting him trace patterns on my arm.

When Robert asked me to be his wife, I responded without even giving myself a chance to think. He looked so relieved, so happy…and it was like a stab in the chest. He came to me and pulled me against him, kissing me and guiding me back to the bedroom. I knew he wanted to make love to me, and I knew that I should have no reason not to let him, but I had several reasons.

I was afraid that I would say Jim's name instead of his. I held in my cries in my office, weighed down by the guilt of what I was doing, but I didn't think I could do it again. I didn't trust myself not to betray where I had really been last night.

I made a ridiculous excuse to Robert; I told him I was on my period. In reality, I was too sore. I could take the pain when it was Jim moving inside me, but the very thought of letting Robert do the same made my entire body hurt. So I left the house and came to the office.

I tried to act naturally with Jim, but he asked me to dinner. I knew he would do something like that, and he had every right to. We had sex. Of course he thought I was going to leave Robert for him, of course he thought I wanted to be with him. And I did. But I couldn't let myself.

The look in his eyes when I told him about the engagement…he tried to look flippant and annoyed, but I could see his heart shattering. And it was entirely my fault. I don't deserve to have the love of a man like Jim Steele in the first place, and then I threw it away.

I couldn't say no to Robert because the thought of his face if I declined was too much. I didn't want to hurt him. But why is hurting Jim so much easier?

It's not. It's harder, and I know that now. I just didn't think about it before. I thought about what Robert would feel if I said no, but I didn't let myself consider what Jim would feel if I said yes.


End file.
